I used to be SUPER talkative. Now, I barely talk. I feel like a different person.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. Seems like I’m not even human. Putting on these masks every day. A different one. Sometimes I mess up. And the mask falls off mid day. I’m sad to say that half of my friends would laugh at me if they saw this.

I don’t really like piano… I just told my mom. Sad thing is, I don’t think she cares. All she said was “…okay.” She played when she was younger. And she wanted me to play, and that was kind of what kept us close I guess. So I’m really not sure what to do. I’m stuck. I’m scared. I’m crying. I just hate this. I hate almost everything right now.

For the past couple of weeks, during piano… When I go to the keyboard to practice (headphones on, while Morgan and Ben play at the grand pianos) I cry. I pretend to pay full attention to the music, I try to focus. But I can’t. I go to the keyboard a lot more recently. Because I don’t practice. I feel sick of myself. For not practicing. I used to count the days until piano comes, but now I can’t wait for it to be over. I cry, and thankfully I suck, so she keeps me over there. And I can wipe away the tears before Morgan and Ben have to come over and then I go one on one with her because Morgan and Ben are much more advanced in the song than I am. I feel angry at myself. I just want to cry and cry and writing this I’m starting to. It’s just not any fun anymore. It’s like a chore to play. And I always used to talk about going to Julliard and playing piano for a living and all that, but now I think that’s about the opposite of what I want. This sucks.